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Gah.... [Jan. 10th, 2014|12:29 pm]
I feel like my New Year's resolution should have been to kill myself.  There are lots of times when I just can't hack it anymore.  I'm really tired because the insomnia has started again, and I want to have a support system, but I also just want to be left alone.  Mark is pressuring me with school (not purposefully or in a bad way) but it's getting to me.  Helping my mom fill out job applications and correct her checkbook is getting to me.  My mom's shady behavior is getting to me.  I need help.  I was okay for a while, but the prospect of going to back to Mansfield is pushing everything up again.  I'm not physically or mentally healthy anymore and I'm so scared.  I can't express how scared I am.  I feel like I could lose everything, including my sanity.  I don't know what to do or where to turn for help.  I'm tired, and no one gets it.  Since my dad's death, a few relatives have been asking my mom what I've been up to, and that drives me crazy.  People who don't give a lick about me are using my life as gossip.  I'm a person full of pain, but you just want to talk about how I "just need to get a job."  I wish I could!  Do people think I like being this way?  Do I seem like a healthy and capable person?  Have I been healthy or capable in over 10 years?  NO!  In my fantasies, someone takes an interest in me and helps me and I feel like a normal person.  That's all I really want.
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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2013|02:54 pm]
I guess she thinks she can swoop in under my radar.  I don't think so, doll.

With girls, you gotta have eyes behind your head.
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=) [Oct. 8th, 2013|06:48 pm]
Zone 7b 5 to 10
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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2013|11:52 am]
I'm having a spiritual conundrum.  Why am I here?  What am I meant to do?  What is in my heart for me to do?
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(no subject) [Apr. 29th, 2013|12:56 pm]
This Journ is temporarily ded
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(no subject) [Apr. 25th, 2013|01:32 pm]
I'm feeling a bit better.  I think I need a do-over.  I need to transform into the person I want to be; I think I will...


Listening to (and watching) Mark do the nom-nom noises is the most hilarious thing EVER!
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2013|03:08 pm]
The system has failed me because I'm dysfunctional and emotionally ill.  Since I'm not a real person, no one wants to help me, no one wants to truly befriend me, and no one wants to see me succeed.  But they all selfishly want me to "keep truckin' it" and be alive.  I'm still here only because I love Mark and my three fish: they're the only ones who make me feel better.  Strangely enough, I'm at peace with this.  I'm not asking for outside help anymore, ever again.
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Disconnected -- Lindsay Lohan [Apr. 16th, 2013|03:25 pm]
Sleeping awake and awake when I'm sleeping
I've got a dry kind of thirst when drenched
On sunny days, all I can see is the shadow
And I'm not above being under
And I'm at the brink though I know that I'm empty
And I always hide when its my turn to seek
My only belief is not to have faith in believing
Before I begin I'm over. (Disconnected)

Broken off again
And I'm only not lonely when I'm lonely by myself
Numb in pain again
I always backtrack forward
Cause all I know I'm Disconnected

Quietly loud while I'm noisily silent
Keep holding my breath while I'm trying to breathe
Swimming against all of the waves and the rapids
I only win when I'm losing. (Disconnected)

I just want to live my life sedated
Cause I love driving myself away
Disfunctionally sane, don't give a damn
I can't comprehend what I understand
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2013|12:58 pm]
Today has been a good day.  It will remain good unless I start looking too closely at certain things.  Things with Mark are going well--*really well* ;) .  Things with Matt are not so well; it's difficult to be platonic friends with a sex addict without much pissed-offageness.  Things are calming down with hater-fools.  (I realized that people who "hate" me usually want to be like me in some ways or else want to be *with* me, and those things are just weird and unnecessary.)

I miss Marker right now.  He's at work.  Unfortunately, right now he's my lifeline until I can get on my own feet.  I'm getting there.  This year has been pretty bad, but I know it will get better.

Here's something I don't consider very often.  I've been depressed and anxious for over 10 years of my life.  I've freaked out to the point where I'm SUICIDAL multiple times.  I've never killed myself.  I HAVE allowed people to take advantage of me, but I've always gotten out of the situation.  I've hated myself to the point where I self-destruct.  And I'm still standing.  If I allow myself to *really* think about it, I impress myself.   I think of all the people I've been able to stand up to.  I end up being too harsh sometimes, but there are other, beautiful shining times where I don't resort to the same stupid behavior "arguers" give me.  Some of the qualities I used to consider weakness are actually... STRENGTH!  Fancy that!  Maybe I feel this way because of the approaching Spring and its inherent hopefulness, but I'm going to bask in it for a while nonetheless.

It's so EASY to judge others when you haven't walked a mile in their shoes.  It's called "empathy, " not "sympathy," but "EMPATHY."  Maybe my mind holds me back.  Maybe my self-esteem holds me back.  But I still have the strength to say "FUCK YOU" to all those who choose to judge me and call me unfair names, and I don't even HAVE TO retaliate by grabbing at the air for responses.  I have the power to hold back all the mean things I could have said, all the actual information I have.  I can just sit back and say, "you're just a mean, mean person" and that suffices.

So far, no one has ever had the GUTS to come to me in person.  Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm also apparently a strong-ass colossus.  lol  Just let me have this for a while...=D
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(no subject) [Mar. 19th, 2013|12:41 am]
I haven't really had much to say lately.  Life has happened.  It keeps on happening.  I want a job.  I want to pay back my horrendous loans.  I want to live an independent life.  However, it seems I have no useful skills, at least none I know of.  My anxiety/shyness/whatever keeps me from being as comfortable with people as I would like.  And, anyway, I want to make some sort of difference in the world...

I honestly feel like there's some sort of curse over my head because there's this constant struggle that never really untangles itself.  I complain about people not being there for me or understanding me, etc, etc, but that's not the problem.  I honestly don't care about all that.  I just want to be good at something and have meaning in my life; everything else is just a distraction.  I tried being religious/spiritual, but nothing has yet filled that hole.   I know in my heart that I could do something great, but what is it?  How do I get started?  If less-than-mediocrity is my lot in life, I'd rather kill myself.  There's got to be an out somewhere, someone who believes in me and can help me figure it all out.

Maybe that's where Mark comes in.  I love him so very much, but I don't want him to be my 'out.'  I want him to be his own out.  I want him to focus on what he needs to do because it might take me 100 years to get my head in the game.

I need to figure out what it takes to get myself together.  Nothing I've tried has ever lasted indefinitely.

Why do I want to be here in this world?  Why haven't I killed myself yet?  My head has gone there 1000 times.  I even have a plan!  But I know I'll never do it...  What secret is within me that my brain doesn't yet know...?
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