I've been slightly depressed lately, which is weird because I'm still taking my meds, but it's not so weird because I'm also detoxing my body. All those emotions get stored away and resurface again when we clean them out.
My depression consists of USFU. UselessStupidFatUgly. UselessStupidFatUgly. UselessStupidFatUgly.
My worst fears all amount to me being invisible, a nothing, and therefore unlovable. It becomes so hard to trek on when I'm devastated with myself.
And other times, I get "happy" again, and I accept myself for what I am, even if it's USFU, and I don't care what people think. The devastation is gone and replaced by blind acceptance of those flaws which keep me from being normal. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a normal member of society; maybe I was meant to be quirky and strange and unable to function.
Maybe I know who I am. But "who I am" is the problem.
It's been a long while since I posted anything of value. A lot of stuff has changed in my life, and I'm here and okay. I have 6 babieth to love: 4 cats, 1 goldfish, and 1 snapping turtle. I don't have my stepdad anymore. I've been on meds for a while and emotionally, I feel pretty good! I'm still with the love of my life, Markie, and I'm mostly over all the crap I've been through. I'm just done with it, ya know? It's time to move forward and away.
I don't have a job yet per se, but I'm volunteering, and I hope to make a little niche for myself. I feed fishies and turtles! I clean skimmers and cricket enclosures! I absolutely love it.
I hope I can continue to improve my life. I really want to just do my thing and forget the negativity.
I feel really sad today. Lexapro has been making me tired enough to nap everyday, but today when I was trying to nap, I started thinking about the upcoming spring semester, going back to school, and that project. I started to panic a little. I'm pretty sure if I weren't on the Lexpro, I would've had a crying spell, full-out, breakdown panic attack. I could feel the emotions welling up, but they were blocked in a way. I just kept thinking about how I can't do it. I was supposed to graduate with Mark, but I couldn't. Then I was supposed to graduate on my own the year after, but I couldn't. And then I was supposed to go back to school last spring, but I couldn't do that either. I just feel blocked and sad, unable to cope with stress, failure, and pain. I'm terrified of going back to school because I'm afraid I'll fail again. And that's the exact word: terrified. Who do I talk to about it? What do I do?
I'm pretty sleepy again. I slept a full night, and now, at noon, I'm ready for a nap. I've been on antidepressants for a few months, so it could be that... I'm not sure if they're really working. I mean, I wasn't really depressed--mostly anxious. I still have a lot of my anxieties, but now I find it physically difficult to think about certain things. (I get headaches and confusion, and I tend to zone out a lot.) I really don't know what else to do to help myself. I'm just drifting through life... I wish I were different. But, a lot of my self-hatred is gone. I'm a really sad excuse for a human being, but that's just how it is. Anywho, I've thrown myself into caring for my cats. Lubb dem.
For some reason, I really wanna buy some rose oil....
I'm the sort of person who bites her tongue a lot in order to keep things peaceful, but I really gotta rant (to myself and this journal) about something I read on fb yesterday. A friend of a friend (girl I don't know very well) posted something about people not knowing how good they have it. Specifically it was:
"Sometimes I read people's posts on facebook and compare it to their photos or previous posts and I think to myself, 'HERE'S YOUR SIGN.' Some people don't know how good they have it!"
I replied with the following:
"sometimes people need help to see it"
which got a reply of:
Generally, this is a true concept, I suppose, but I really didn't like the way she said it. Fb is annoying like that; people just spout opinion blurbs whenever they have the whim, and these opinions are sometimes about things and people they know nothing about. I guess in a way I feel "guilty" for being one of those people who "don't know how good they have it," but honestly isn't it MY life? Shouldn't I be able to call out what is "good" or "bad" in MY life? Shouldn't I be able to appreciate what I choose to appreciate at MY pace? Also, shouldn't I be able to choose what I post on MY fb--negative or positive? Don't I have the right to appreciate my good things in the privacy of my real life and not have to spout them all over fb?
I was just offended because this girl is judging people she might not even know. If someone doesn't see the positives you think they should see and maybe complains a lot about the bad things, it might be because this person has some sort of mental issue. Personally, I have struggled with depression for a long-ass time, and I've made my share of negative posts (which are about me and hurt no one else). In this journal itself, I have always tended to write down the negative rants of my life as an outlet. Good things aren't generally mentioned because I'm busy LIVING the good things! I have no need to "rant" or document them! My entire life isn't pasted online.
What made this girl's comment even worse was the "lol" after my comment that some people need help to see the good things in their lives. How is that funny? Some people have issues or bad spells in their lives and deserve a little compassion. I guess I should just chalk up her entire post as jealousy. She's clearly jealous of others' "good things" and is annoyed that they don't appreciate them. I can understand that too; it's an entirely human emotion. But I still don't like the incredibly mean, judging nature of this post.
Day 2 of new meds:
I feel a little irritable, a little dizzy, a little more hungry than usual. I got the shakes last night around bedtime--a few hours after taking my pill--and ended up vomiting.
I didn't feel any differently yesterday, the first day of taking it. Or at least, i didn't notice. I was exhausted that day and night from the day-long trek to and from my appointment (4 buses total).
I'm gonna take my pill tonight and see what happens.
Been feeling better today. I get in these really dark moods sometimes...so frustrated...and all I can think of is how much I want to die. It's awful. I'm trying again to get some help. The first therapist didn't help too, too much. I mean, he helped a little, but wasn't the best fit. I'm crossing my fingers!