||[Apr. 2nd, 2013|12:58 pm]
Today has been a good day. It will remain good unless I start looking too closely at certain things. Things with Mark are going well--*really well* ;) . Things with Matt are not so well; it's difficult to be platonic friends with a sex addict without much pissed-offageness. Things are calming down with hater-fools. (I realized that people who "hate" me usually want to be like me in some ways or else want to be *with* me, and those things are just weird and unnecessary.)|
I miss Marker right now. He's at work. Unfortunately, right now he's my lifeline until I can get on my own feet. I'm getting there. This year has been pretty bad, but I know it will get better.
Here's something I don't consider very often. I've been depressed and anxious for over 10 years of my life. I've freaked out to the point where I'm SUICIDAL multiple times. I've never killed myself. I HAVE allowed people to take advantage of me, but I've always gotten out of the situation. I've hated myself to the point where I self-destruct. And I'm still standing. If I allow myself to *really* think about it, I impress myself. I think of all the people I've been able to stand up to. I end up being too harsh sometimes, but there are other, beautiful shining times where I don't resort to the same stupid behavior "arguers" give me. Some of the qualities I used to consider weakness are actually... STRENGTH! Fancy that! Maybe I feel this way because of the approaching Spring and its inherent hopefulness, but I'm going to bask in it for a while nonetheless.
It's so EASY to judge others when you haven't walked a mile in their shoes. It's called "empathy, " not "sympathy," but "EMPATHY." Maybe my mind holds me back. Maybe my self-esteem holds me back. But I still have the strength to say "FUCK YOU" to all those who choose to judge me and call me unfair names, and I don't even HAVE TO retaliate by grabbing at the air for responses. I have the power to hold back all the mean things I could have said, all the actual information I have. I can just sit back and say, "you're just a mean, mean person" and that suffices.
So far, no one has ever had the GUTS to come to me in person. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm also apparently a strong-ass colossus. lol Just let me have this for a while...=D